4 Signs Your Nervous System May Be Dysregulated

We are made for loving connection. But dysregulation of the nervous system stands in the way. What are some signs that our nervous system may be dysregulated?

Sign #1: Finding Yourself on the Opposite Team as Your Child

Our children love us and want to be on the same team as us. The family is a type of team. But dysregulation will push us to be on the opposite team from them. For example, we may get angry at them for having a messy room and yell or threaten them to clean it. "Go clean your room right now!" "If you don't clean your room, you're not watching TV for the rest of the week." Of course it is reasonable to want our children to clean their room and that work ethic should be encouraged. But we are our child's coach, we are on the same team as them and don't need to fight against them. When we're on the same team as them, we can say "Okay, I've noticed that your room still isn't clean. What do we need to do to get this done?" "It seems like you're struggling with your room. Let me help get you started." "I know big jobs can be intimidating. Let's find a way to keep this from getting so out of control."

When our nervous system is dysregulated, reacting with anger or seemingly-reasonable threats can seem like the only good way to go about things. And this is exactly what will happen, whether we want it to or not, as long as our nervous system is dysregulated.

When our nervous system is regulated, we have access to more perspective and creativity to solve problems in a way that recognizes the developmental and human limitations of our children (they need more help than we do and they are going to procrastinate hard things just like we do). That is simply the nature of our nervous system when it is regulated; we can show up more patiently and solve problems more creatively. We can show up as a coach to help get our child to a better place rather than as an opposing player fighting against them.

Sign #2: You're Stressed Out

A dysregulated nervous system is in fight or flight, even though there is not truly anything threat to fight or flight from. But the 4 Sources of Dysregulation can keep us in the stressed out fight or flight response. Feeling the need to overschedule or stay busy, fear of missing out (FOMO), feeling like we have too much on our plates, worrying about someone's reaction, worrying about what will happen, rushing around, ruminating thoughts, the mind going 100x a minute, a lack of focus or not fully listening to what others are saying and interrupting them....these are all ways that stress, which is on a spectrum of intensity, can overtake us.

A regulated nervous system, on the other hand, is calm. A regulated nervous system has perspective and clarity on life and priorities. It is patient when interacting with others and in awaiting the future to play out. It is able to go with the flow of life. When our nervous system is regulated, we feel good, not stressed out.

Sign #3: You Need to Escape

The need to escape is also on a spectrum of intensity but can show up in a dysregulated nervous system. You may need to go hide in the bathroom to get away from your kids. You may get annoyed or angry at someone and need to lock yourself in your room and fume until you calm down. You may be around others but need to look at your phone or TV or do something that is not engaging with them. You may feel like you need to get in your car or train or just walk somewhere, anywhere, and feel like you just need to go, go somewhere. You may fantasize about just leaving everyone and starting life anew. You would rather just spend time doing one of your hobbies than taking time to connect with your kids that day. Dysregulation always pushes us away from loving connection.

When the nervous system is regulated, you have more capacity for stress. Screaming, yelling, crying kids do not make you want to run away and hide; instead, you have the capacity to get in there and help problem solve. When your nervous system is regulated, you can help regulate others' nervous system. When the nervous system is dysregulated, we tend to dysregulate others unless they have the capacity to withstand us. So, when the child is dysregulated and crying and screaming (or not even doing this but we still feel the need to escape), and we are dysregulated and hiding in the bathroom, they stay dysregulated and we are dysregulated. But when our nervous system is regulated and the child becomes dysregulated, we can get in there and soothe them patiently and lovingly and bring regulation to their system. When we do this, we wire in a pattern of regulation that follows them throughout their lives instead of a pattern of dysregulation.

Likewise, when our nervous system is regulated, we have the capacity to just be around others without needing to pick up our phone. When there is conflict, we can stay calm and clear; we can be curious about what is going on with the other person and find a solution rather than storming off to fume in our room alone. We are able to balance having time for our hobbies without using it as an escape from spending time with our kids that day. A regulated nervous system is in balance. It doesn't need to escape, it has the capacity to be with others, and it also has healthy boundaries and makes time for itself.

Sign #4: You're the Connection Police

Opposite of needing to escape (though we may do both), a dysregulated nervous system can find itself playing the role of the connection police. Worry, anxiety, and fear about whether or not "we are connecting enough" or "if my husband is spending enough time connecting with my kids" are stemming from a dysregulated nervous system. "How could he not care?" "Does she really love them?" "Does he even love me?" These also can be on a spectrum of intensity, from day or day low-key anxiety to a situation ending in divorce.

When the nervous system is regulated, we have patience and perspective and compassion and curiosity for what may be going on with the other person. We are able to bring this energy to the table and help find a solution rather than the energy of feeling wounded, robbed, or offended. Moreover, we feel confident about how to proceed. Not vindictive and charging ahead, but filled with an innate confidence about what to do. Healthy boundaries come naturally to a regulated nervous system. "I'm having boundaries" is not an excuse for shutting others down or acting in other dysregulated ways.

Furthermore, a regulated nervous system is resourced. It does not need to try to get the love and regulation that it didn't receive from its parents from a peer adult, or, even worse, from a child. Instead of regulating the child, a dysregulated nervous system expects the child to regulate the parent by "being on their best behavior" or "not yelling at me but being nice and polite to me". A regulated nervous system is able to be on the same team as the child and regulate them back to these natural behaviors instead of demanding it or expecting it and getting angry when it doesn't happen.

A true story about the power of regulation in the nervous system. A married couple got divorced when they could not reconcile the wife not feeling adequately loved and the husband feeling the same. When the wife realized that the husband needed space more than she liked because his nervous system was dysregulated and that was the way he grew up learning how to self-regulate, by escaping, she had compassion and patience for him. Likewise, the husband was able to understand the wife's insecurities around connection also stemmed from her childhood of not receiving enough love and he was able to have patience and compassion for her. They realized the problem was not that they didn't love each other, it was that their nervous systems were just dysregulated and they decided to get married again.

The bottom line is that we all want loving connection and we are all made for loving connection. But dysregulation will get in the way. When we can address the 4 Sources of Dysregulation we can bring greater regulation to the nervous system. When the nervous system is regulated, we are always more calm, connected, patient, playful, compassionate, creative in problem-solving, confidence, and curious. We are able to use these traits in the face of the many challenges of life and move towards connection and reconciliation instead of disconnection and unhappiness.

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