8 WAYS TO REGULATE THE NERVOUS SYSTEM WHEN YOU FEEL DYSREGULATED
How do I know when I'm dysregulated?
The body is regulated when it is in a parasympathetic state. If it is in a fight, flight, or freeze state when there is no actual threat present, then this is considered dysregulation. Based on past experiences, we may inadvertently identify our children or spouse or other significant relationships as threats and relate to them in a fight, flight, or freeze way, which will always be damaging to the relationship (stressed out, impatient, checked out, angry, annoyed, unhappy).
The parasympathetic state (no threats present state) is characterized by the following qualities:
Curiosity
Compassion
Calm
Clarity
Courage
Confidence
Creativity
Connectedness
Presence
Patience
Persistence
Perspective
Playfulness
If we can't honestly say the that we are feeling one of the above qualities, we are most likely in a fight, flight, or freeze state. In that state we will not be able to connect with our child or spouse in a healthy way and we will personally not feel happy or content either.
Once we can notice that we are in a dysregulated state, we can take steps to regulate the nervous system. These steps will help us return to the parasympathetic state or will help decrease the intensity of the fight, flight, or freeze state.
1. Orienting
In the fight or flight states, our eyes fix onto a threat. In freeze, our eyes tend to take on a hopeless gaze. When we notice we are dysregulated, simply looking around helps break this pattern and can help us shift out of dysregulation. There are two types of orienting:
Orienting to our surroundings: look around; fully look around you. Is there actually anything threatening around you? Or is this actually a safe space? Follow your nervous system-if you feel like it would be helpful to look under the couch, behind the curtains, or in another room, do that. Let your nervous system check out your space and fully feel that, at this moment, everything is actually okay.
Orienting to our resources: what makes you feel safe or happy? Looking at a pet, nature, or a pretty painting or color and really taking it in can help our nervous system feel resourced and bring regulation.
Bonus: sense of smell can have a powerful effect on the nervous system. Smelling some lavender or another smell that means safety, warmth, or happiness to you can bring regulation to the nervous system.
2. Push Away
When we feel like there is too much on us, too many demands, like we don't have enough space, we can do the push away exercise. I remember needing to step away into the bathroom when my daughter was a toddler so that I could do this exercise several times.
Sitting, standing, or laying down, put your hands up around chin level and pretend you have a huge, heavy boulder in them. Very slowly, very deliberately, and I would recommend with your eyes closed, begin to push the boulder away. Really give it your all! Keep pushing until you have pushed it completely off and away from you. Really take your time with this. Feel the space you are making between yourself and the boulder. You can also stand up against a wall and push on the wall instead.
3. Breathing Exercise
Changing breathing patterns can help regulate the nervous system. I use this exercise a lot when I am driving if I notice myself dysregulated. The ratio of inhale to exhale is the important part. Take a long, deep inhale. Hold your breath for two seconds. Then slowly exhale twice as long as you inhaled.
Example: Inhale for 5 seconds, hold for 2 seconds, exhale for 10 seconds.
Start with what you can do and try to build your capacity for there (starting with inhaling for three seconds and working up to 5+).
4. Havening Touch® Techniques
The nervous system is a full body system. Certain touches in certain places communicate safety more powerfully than others. Havening Touch (offered through The Promise of Parenting coaching!) has identified three that it uses when processing negative past experiences. These can be used to help regulate the nervous system when we feel dysregulated:
Stroking under the eyes: place your hands on your cheeks with your fingers under your eyes. Slowly stroke under both the eyes simultaneously with your hands, from the inside out across the upper cheeks.
Stroking down your arms: with your arms crisscrossed, place your hands on your shoulders and slowly stroke down the arms until reaching the elbows. Let go and return to the starting position and repeat.
Rubbing your hands: slowly rub your hands together, similar to rubbing them together for warmth but much more slowly and deliberately.
You can continuously repeat these exercises. Do one or do all of them. Follow what feels right to you and your nervous system!
5. Distractions
No doubt, distractions can help. Go take a shower, read a book, put on happy music for everyone to listen to. Don't just turn on the TV for your kids, allow everyone to get caught up in a completely different story or plot that pulls you out of the triggering one you are in. This can help you take a step back and see what was dysregulating from a calmer perspective. Then, talk about what happened or apologize so that everyone can move on.
6. Space or Reassurance?
There are different types of attachment patterns with which the nervous system can be wired. Rewiring these attachment patterns is a huge part of parenting coaching, as is learning to recognize them and adapt to them. Think about the following question:
When you feel triggered and dysregulated, which of the below would feel better?
A hug and calm space for someone to listen to you in a supportive way. With reassurance that they think you're doing a great job.
The space to stew alone and undisturbed until you cool off and feel much better. Then hug would be okay.
Notice which one of these you need. They come from deep attachment conditioning and should be respected. Allow yourself whichever one feels best when you are dysregulated. Get your family onboard, too. My husband knows when I am dysregulated to let me vent and give me big hugs and reassurance. I know, as tough as it might be for me, to let him have his space when he is dysregulated and to not bother him and he will eventually come out of it, apologize, and feel better.
7. Talk It Out
While you may first need isolation if that resonates with you above, of course just talking it out is always super helpful and regulating. Even when I am really angry, if I can ask my daughter what was going on for her, to solicit what her experience and perspective was in all of this, it is a tremendously regulating and reconciling experience. Ask questions like:
“What was going on for you?”
“Why did you do that?”
“What were you worried about?”
“What were you afraid would happen?”
When we hear that our children were worried about something completely reasonable, it softens our dysregulation, helps us move through it, and feel compassion for them and reconcile with them. Sharing what we were worried about that drove our behavior is also important. Seeking to understand why someone acted the way they did is absolutely fundamental to building a regulated relationship with them.
8. Reflect
When all else fails, and even before that...reflect, reflect, reflect!
Reflect what our kids are expressing back to them so that they feel heard and understood. This helps regulate them and gives us a tool we can always use so we can feel empowered instead of just dysregulated. This is really helpful when kids are complaining or struggling with big emotions (which can often in turn dysregulate us).
For example:
Child: I'm bored!
Parent: You feel like there's nothing to do? You would like something fun to do. I'm sorry this day has felt a bit boring. There must be something fun you can do. OR Is there something you would like to do together? OR If you could do anything what would be some fun things?
Child: I'm so angry you picked me up late!
Parent: You're really mad because you wanted me to be on time. You probably don't want to be the last one picked up, right? I'm sorry I was running late. Tomorrow I will set an alarm OR next time I will schedule a different time to talk more in depth with everyone after the meeting.
Child: I hate math!
Parent: You're frustrated because math can be hard, right? I'm sorry it is being challenging. Which problem are you struggling with so I can help?
The bottom line is to reflect how the child feels back to them so they are heard. Then you can move on to finding solutions and supporting them.
Important Note: focusing on implementing a tool is regulating for some. For others, there may be too much dysregulation in the nervous system to be able to implement this effectively. If you find yourself trying to reflect in an angry or sarcastic way, focus on the above techniques first. When enough regulation is restored to the nervous system, which may require 1-1 work like it did for me, this technique can eventually be applied with great results (kids feeling heard, understood, and supported)!
By the time we are adults, our nervous systems have been through a lot. Negative past experiences and attachment patterns are deeply wired into us and directly affect how we think, act, and feel in the present. The good news is these patterns can be rewired, processed, and even released.
The Promise of Parenting’s mission is to help everyday moms build their capacity for Conscious Parenting by regulating the nervous system using processing techniques, attachment repatterning, and holistic nutrition.
The above information is for educational purposes only and not intended for diagnosing or treating any condition or replacing a medical professional.