Why Is Love a Need of the Nervous System?

Sometimes, we don't want to admit that we need love and support. Sometimes we want to do it all ourselves. Or we tell ourselves that we survived without it, so we are okay. Or we just don't want to go there.

The fact of the matter is that if we didn't get adequate love and support, it is likely driving dysregulation in our nervous system, which is in turn preventing us from providing our kids adequate love and support. It prevents us from connecting more meaningfully with them and showing up more present, patient, and playful.

There have been several studies demonstrating the effect of inadequate love and support on childrens' nervous systems. One of the most striking were the studies conducted primarily between 1957-1963 by psychologist Harry Harlow.

These studies were conducted at a time when scientists were encouraging the American public to ignore your baby when it is crying and asserting that the only reason children have any sort of bond to their mother is because she feeds them milk.

Harry Harlow put these claims to the test. He separated baby monkeys into three groups:

• One group had a regular monkey mother that cared for them, providing love and support.

• A second group had a stuffed monkey mother that was soft and had a kind face and gave milk.

• A third group had no mother figure at all.

The monkeys that had a loving, supportive mother were the most well-adapted. They easily engaged with others socially and had well-regulated nervous systems. They were loving and supportive towards their own offspring.

The monkeys with the stuffed mother displayed dysregulation in their nervous systems. They had difficulty connecting with other monkeys and difficulty raising their own offspring.

The monkeys with no mother figure at all showed extreme dysregulation, to include an inability to connect with others, self mutilation, and violence towards their offspring.

The less love and regulation we receive in childhood, the less love and regulation we continue to be able to receive into adulthood and the less love and regulation we are able to give.

If you have difficulty showing up present, patient, and playful with your kids and show up with more anger, yelling, or disconnection, then, just like Harry Harlow's monkeys, you may not have received the adequate love and regulation your nervous system needed to be able to show up in a more loving and regulated way.

The good news is that Harry Harlow and his team discovered how to rehabilitate even the most dysregulated of monkeys by harnessing the principle of appropriate expansion.

The dysregulated monkeys were paired with baby monkeys that were very clingy, constantly hugging and stroking in a loving way. At first, this made the situation worse. It intensified the dysregulation of the already dysregulated monkeys, making them more reactive and stressed. When all hope seemed lost, a graduate student suggested exposing the dysregulated monkeys to the baby monkeys for only short increments at a time. By not overwhelming the nervous system with too much too fast, the monkeys were gradually able to receive this love and support and embody greater regulation. And when they were more regulated, they were able to give greater love and support as well.

To read more about the principle of expansion, please see my Free Guide to Overcoming Dysregulation in Parenting.

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